Reactivation… activated!

So it’s time to bring this thing back. Most of the hits for this blog are from Miami Ink searches. Anyone who stumbles on this post is thus either a) looking for a tattoo or b) my friend. If you’re my friend looking for a tattoo, please split into two different entities because I really don’t appreciate it when you reduce my hit count.

I leave for Europe (Lagos, Portugal, specifically) on Tuesday. The dispatches from the continent will occur here. Rectify your non-reading of this blog starting… now.

I’m moving

I’ve set up a new college football based blog: 82 Sluggo Win.

I plan on keeping this one going for other pursuits, but there won’t be any college football here. (Which is a lie. Kinda like a heroin addict promising to get rid of all his spoons and belts.)

I’m pretty sure I’ll be voting in the USC bloc for next year’s BlogPoll, and I wanted to set up a site reflecting that. For right now I’ll be doing most of my writing at the new blog, which is odd: as a friend pointed out, I had the foresight to create a college football blog immediately after the end of the college football season.

Anyway, I leave you with temporary parting words of wisdom and solace.

And just so I can file this post in the beards category, yes, I’m still growing one.

Riot-fearing Columbus requests assistance from Bartertown, Master Blaster

COLUMBUS, OHIO - In anticipation of unchecked rioting following formerly top ranked Ohio State’s 41-14 loss to the University of Florida in the Tostitos BCS title game, local authorities have requested logistical aid from nearby Bartertown and its diumvirate, Master and Blaster.

Master, right, with Blaster.

Columbus mayor Michael B. Coleman stressed that these were only “precautionary measures”, noting that the city has avoided handing power over to the neighboring outpost “for almost more than three seasons now”. The two cities have existed in an uneasy relationship due to their close proximity to the area’s largest quarry of rocks and metal bits. There has also been an ongoing dispute over watering rights, specifically Larry’s well.

“Though we have had our differences in the past, Bartertown is a friend and an ally in our time of need. We welcome them with open arms,” said Coleman.

It appears the mayor has little choice. Though machete and shotgun wielding bandits have been a common sight in this part of Ohio for years, experts say the situation can only get worse after the Buckeyes were humiliated by Florida on national television. Within thirty minutes of the final play of the game heavily armed dune buggies, semi-trailer trucks and motorcycles ripped through downtown Columbus, shooting at one another in a desperate bid for gasoline and ammunition. Several police officers reported a gang of nearly forty mohawked, leather clad bikers taking up position in front of an all-night liquor store. The officers warned that the looters looked armed and “extremely Australian”.

Who was that masked man, and what’s he doing kicking field goals?!

I’m told a thin film of food product is healthy for the more delicate reaches of the face: cucumbers on the eyes, maybe a mask of yogurt if you’re a hippie (or yoghurt if you’re one of those hippies that likes emphasizing the heuristic wonders of pretentious spelling), etc.

I’m not sure if flecks of shell help, though. Egg all over my face.

It’s not often that a prediction is exposed as a farce on the very first play of the game, but Ted Ginn, Jr. upped the data sample by one tonight: a fluid 93 yard kickoff returned for a touchdown. The starting kickoff. I said he’d have 0 yards on such returns, banking on touchbacks or even a deliberate kick out-of-bounds here and there. Whoops.

Similar mistakes made with Heisman winner Troy Smith, the oft-criticized Chris Leak, the overall impact of special teams… pretty much everything. I can’t even hang my hat on Florida kicker John Hetland shanking his way to 1 of 3. Instead? He was nails, booting that faux leather through the uprights like someone who previously wasn’t a complete and utter fuck up in doing such things. And Hetland was that before tonight (4 for 13 prior to his molestation of the pigskin in Glendale).

I can take solace in the fact that it seemed like the majority of experts, pundits, etc. picked Ohio State. And no one - no one - predicted that Troy Smith would have such a horrible game. (Was it horrible? It was emphatically horrible, but more so for a guy from whom anything less than a good to transcendent performance would be shocking, from the guy who absolutely shredded Texas and Michigan, from the Heisman Trophy winne- Okay, maybe that last one isn’t surprising but the rest was.) And many people noted that if Florida was to win one of the deciding factors would be if Chris Leak triumphed over Evil Chris Leak and finally delivered that performance we all expected when he signed with Florida in 2003… but you’d be hard pressed to find that many people also willing to bet he would do such a thing. 55-60% completion, maybe. 200 yards certainly. A high probability of a positive touchdown to interception ratio, sure. But to completely outclass the Heisman winner in the title game? I think a lot of people outside of Gainesville are surprised. Hell, I think maybe more people in Gainesville are surprised.

Oh, and that defense. They’re decent.

In retrospect I should’ve just gone against my instincts, my cursed instincts. Those instincts told me that it would take a fourth quarter triumph to beat Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl, that USC would breeze past Texas by three scores, that Michigan was a better than fifty percent chance to win.

Stupid instincts! You go squish now!

And just to show how wrong I was, a look back at some of my more inaccurate pieces this past season:

“You have 72 hours to give me the Genesis Device,” says Tressel to U.N., NCAA
Meyer demands rock-paper-scissors showdown in lieu of BCS title game
Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense

Congrats, Florida.

Prediction: Ohio State 34, Florida 24

Ohio State
Troy Smith: 21/32 passing, 270 yards, 3 TD, 1 interception, 15 yards net rushing (2 carries, 2 sacks).
Ted Ginn: 4 catches, 74 yards, 0 TD, 4 punt returns for 56 yards, 0 kickoff returns for 0 yards.
Anthony Gonzalez: 6 catches, 83 yards, 2 TD.
Antonio Pittman/Chris Wells: 128 yards net rushing (24 carries, 1 TD).
Quinn Pitcock: 4 total tackles, 2 TFL, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble.

Florida
Chris Leak: 24/36 passing, 292 yards, 2 TD, 1 interception, negative 12 yards rushing (2 carries, 4 sacks), 1 fumble.
Andre Caldwell: 7 catches, 128 yards, 1 TD.
Tim Tebow: 2/3 passing, 37 yards, 0 TD, 0 interceptions, 29 yards net rushing (6 carries, 0 sacks, 1 TD).
Percy Harvin: 4 catches, 65 yards, 1 TD, 26 yards net rushing (4 rushes, 0 TD).
Reggie Nelson: 6 total tackles, 1 pass broken up, 1 forced fumble.

Here’s how it’ll go: Smith will put on a clinic with accuracy and the willingness to throw the ball away if nothing presents itself, utilizing four and five receiver sets. Leak’ll do just fine but he’ll connect on only one long bomb (to Caldwell). Both quarterbacks will throw interceptions, but only after they’re tipped.

The game will look fairly equal except for two things: Smith will get first downs on a consistent basis without turnovers (3 lost for Florida as opposed to 1 for Ohio State), and the kicking. Ohio State’s going to make two field goals on two attempts. Florida? They’ll get 1/3, with the sole success a 23 yard chip shot from Chris Hetland. He will push a 35 yarder and a 32 yarder, stealing whatever momentum the Gators have from consistently driving into Buckeye territory. Other than the major placekicking problems neither team is going to dominate in special teams.

Erickson excited about new job, Monster.com membership

Tempe, Arizona - Recently hired Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson is excited about his new job, and he isn’t afraid to show it.

“We have a first class football environment here at ASU,” Erickson gushed during a Thursday press conference.

“Great facilities, a passionate fanbase, membership in a first rate athletic conference [Pacific-10] and a commitment to excellence from the administration all the way down to the student trainers. I couldn’t be in a better position.”

Erickson is also excited about his new account with Monster.com, the online resume and employment database. Erickson’s 20 year old nephew, Mike, signed him up for the service last week.

“Monster.com will allow me to find a better position,” Erickson enthused.

Erickson, above, was “overwhelmed” with Monster.com’s features, particularly the resume builder

Cancer cured: “I am not going to cure cancer,” says Saban

TUSCALOOSA, AL - The world is rejoicing in the wake of new Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s declaration that he is “not going to cure cancer”. Though some scientists have urged restraint and a wait-and-see approach, international celebrations are already underway.

Saban, above, symbolically does away with lung cancer.

R.I.P. Mario Danelo

Multiple sources including ESPN News and the Los Angeles Times report USC junior placekicker Mario Danelo was found dead in San Pedro, Calif.

Mario walked on and backed up Ryan Killeen during USC’s 2003 and 2004 title runs. He was named the starting kicker in ‘05 and I’m pretty sure he set an NCAA record for PATs attempted that season, earning a scholarship along the way. He never had a strong leg, but he was consistent.

That’s not really what I’ll remember him for, though. I met him twice, both times in 2005: the first during the Salute to Troy, an annual event in which players meet fans and vice versa, and the second during a scrimmage. Both times he was kinda off by himself, doing his thing, being a kicker. We spoke only once, at the Salute to Troy, and he was humble and well spoken and entirely shocked at people recognizing who he was.

Well, it was pretty easy. You could spot his smile a football field away.

He kicked two field goals against the Michigan Wolverines on January 1.

My condolences to the Danelo family.

Mario, the night I spoke to him. (Thanks to Joe Andras of WeAreSC.com for the picture.)

[EDIT: Here's some info on the funeral courtesy of Garry Paskewitz of WeAreSC.com...

Friday, Jan. 12, 10:30 a.m.

Mary Star of the Sea Catholic Church
870 West 8th St.
San Pedro, CA 90731

Reception following at Doubletree Hotel San Pedro
2800 Via Cabrillo Marina
San Pedro, CA 90731

There is no official fund set up by the USC athletic department yet, but there is one with the Thundering Herd. They're the fans who sit in sections 11 and 13 on either side of the tunnel. If you have information on either feel free to email me or just comment with the relevant details.]

FCC fines NBC a record $250,000 for on-air fellatio of Notre Dame

SAN ANTONIO, TX - The Federal Communications Commission issued a record quarter million dollar fine to NBC for “egregious and graphic oral servicing of the University of Notre Dame” during a live telecast of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, a prestigious high school all-star game which featured seventy-eight of the nation’s best prep school players. The FCC also recommended recruiting analyst Tom Lemming be waterboarded.

“Preferably with drain water from [Tennessee coach Phil] Fulmer’s shower, but we are in consultation,” FCC chairman Kevin Martin said. “Phil has given his full support. He’s promised that if we need him to, he’d use gravy instead of soap. He actually seemed kind of eager.”

Lemming, above, pleads for more Fighting Irish phallus

“You have 72 hours to give me the Genesis Device,” says Tressel to U.N., NCAA

Columbus, Ohio - Genetically engineered tyrant and Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel issued an ultimatum to the United Nations and the NCAA on Friday morning: give him the Genesis Device within 72 hours, or face his wrath. He also demanded unlimited football scholarships for Ohio State to be installed within a period of three years. The top ranked Buckeyes play the Florida Gators in the BCS title game on Jan. 8.

Tressel with his trademark vest and swarthy Asiatic musk.

My 2006 College Football Blogger Awards

Joel from Rocky Top Talk demands I be heard. So be it. Let all receive this warning: Brian and Orson will dominate my ballot.

Survey reveals many consider Notre Dame the Yankees of playing like shit

Glendale, Arizona - A recent survey conducted by USA Today showed that nearly eighty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish are the New York Yankees of getting their asses kicked on national television.”

“Mostly on NBC thanks to their exclusive contract, but as the [Jan. 3] Sugar Bowl demonstrated Notre Dame football is comfortable being humiliated on FOX,” University of Wisconsin professor Willard Bynum said. “They are extremely versatile.”

The Fighting Irish are well known for their perseverance in the face of victory.

New look… again

The template is called White as Milk. There were a surprising number of glitches with the standard WordPress template I was using for a few weeks. With any hope this’ll be a nice soothing presence in my other wise hairy life.

Why is my life hairy, you ask? At least, you should be asking.

Simple: I’ve been growing a beard since USC lost to UCLA way back in the early mornings of December. I had one between Oregon State and UCLA and between Arkansas and Oregon State. I had one in 2005 from the opener in Hawaii to the day Vince Young fondled the breasts of my young dreams whilst smoking a cuban and making deals for human cattle. The rule is grow until a loss. Instructions also instruct thusly: if bowl game is reached, cut in event of a loss as per usual. If bowl game is won, cut on National Letter of Intent day. If bowl game is also national championship game, cut on first day of NFL Draft. USC won the Rose Bowl, which was not the BCS title match, so that means I’ve got a beard and ’stache until Feb. 7.

Which is also the day USC clinches its fifth recruiting title in a row. So that’s okay.

Movie critics nationwide blast Boise State for unbelievable ending

Glendale, Arizona - Winter audiences had high hopes for Monday night’s $35 million Fiesta Bowl production, and they weren’t disappointed: high scoring drama, exotic costumes, an underdog story and a miracle finish.

Movie critics around the country, though, weren’t so pleased.

“Who in their right mind would swallow this tripe?” Chicago Sun-Times film reviewer Roger Ebert asked.

“The media tries to push the same sports formula at us again and again: a scrappy team of no names ends the perfect season with the perfect come from behind win on a perfectly executed trick play. I understand that the American public maybe isn’t the most sophisticated audience out there, but three trick plays? My patience has been exhausted. Something needs to be done about this industry before our collective good will runs out. Two thumbs way down.”

I’m not one to gloat. Wait, “gloat” means “to honorably allow a humbled enemy a graceful exit into defeat”, right?

Whoops.

What’s this? A successful fake kick? Not from your own 34? Is that even legal?!

Don’t worry, ND. You can be sure there’s no way the Irish extend their nine bowl losing streak since they won’t be bowl eligible next year. What with 17 senior starters playing in the Sugar Bowl, one of them named Quinn and one of them named Samardidzjadquiza. At least Clausen looks intimidati-

Oh.

We have no run game. Waitaminute… Hallelujah, we have no run game!

I wasn’t at the Rose Bowl, sadly enough. My family had a ticket for me but dipping my liver in sweet, sweet, corrosive Jack Daniel’s in the Bay Area with my best friends took precedent. Since there was no way I’d be flying on the day of the Rose Bowl I had to settle for a random house in San Jose. It was a weird moment seeing the Granddaddy on television after being there the last three times the Trojans played in Pasadena. I’ll not lie: I felt more than a bit queasy prior to kickoff. Chalk that up to nervousness (Michigan is still a good team) and queasiness (see: whiskey). And though I didn’t predict a USC loss outright, I did mention to everyone I knew that this was the first time since the 2003 opener at Jordan-Hare Stadium that I thought the Trojans’ chances to win the game were less than fifty percent.

None of that stopped me from betting a combined $240 on my beloved football team. There might be, might be $300 in my bank account right now.

Yes, I am stupid. Gloriously, happily stupid.

Me.

Notre Dame objects to ESPN billing of Sugar Bowl as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”

Bristol, Connecticut - University of Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins held a press conference yesterday in which he vigorously objected to ESPN’s branding of the upcoming Sugar Bowl between the Fighting Irish and the Louisiana State Tigers as “Catholics vs. Competent Football Players”.

Friends described Jenkins, above, as “steaming fucking mad” regarding ESPN’s advertising of the Sugar Bowl.

A highly anticipated 1988 game between Notre Dame and the Miami Hurricanes was billed as “Catholics vs. Convicts”, with the often controversial Miami program seen as the “Convicts”. Notre Dame won that game 31-30 after ‘Cane head coach Jimmy Johnson elected to go for a two-point conversion which failed, ending Miami’s winning streak. The Irish would go on to win the national championship.

“We object to ESPN’s characterization of the Sugar Bowl. The 1988 characterization was itself offensive, but even more offensive is the idea of comparing that team to our present one. Frankly, I’m appalled. The ‘88 squad had offensive talent just like today’s, with players like Tony Rice, Rocket Ismail and Rickey Watters. But they also had defense with guys like linebacker Michael Stonebreaker, defensive end Frank Stams and nose tackle Chris Zorich. Defense! Think of that! Defense wins championships! Who would’ve thought? Jesus fucking Christ,” Jenkins said.

“Sorry,” he added, staring upwards.

“Sorry we don’t have a better football team in Your name, that is,” he would later add after a long pause.

Oh, and Merry Christmas

Hope everyone gets what they wanted. (Me: combination home beer brewing kit/Shakespeare compendium/poker table. Big seller down at the Sharper Image.) If not, just steal it.

Light posting for a few days, followed by a storm of fake college football news vengeance to usher in the meaty middle of bowl season, followed by getting dirty and drunk in the Bay Area with people who wish to do me harm, followed by the Rose Bowl. And, depending on the outcome of the Rose Bowl, Old Testament Yahweh or New Testament God.

Still, happy holidays.

OMG OMG OMG Galactus in a movie

Apparently the trailer for the new Fantastic Four movie is out, and the only way for you to see it right now is via barely visible footage courtesy of a hand camera and YouTube. (HT: the Something Awful forums)

It’s bad quality, yes, but it’s not that bad. Frankly, I’d let someone attack my eyes with a lemon zester if it meant I got to see the Silver Surfer on screen.

Wait… what’s that? You want to know about Galactus? Well, so do I. Unfortunately there ain’t much on that front.

A perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season

Ahhh, bowl season. Hah-hah if you’re not participating, hah-hah if you’re playing in something sponsored by the auto industry, hah-hah if you’re real confident your interim head coach’ll lead you to the promised land: bowl season is a time to reflect on the past dozen games, give thanks and, most of all, disparage everyone in sight including your own team. We do it out of love, but mainly out of a deep seated bitterness familiar to anyone who’s ever painted his face and gone “WHOOOOOO!” into the camera while holding up a single digit to indicate your belonging to a top ranked something or other. Bowl season also coincides with the holidays. As nearly every single study, report and source of scientific veracity tells us the holidays are a time of barely contained suicidal depression. It’s time to fight back that depression (Florida State, I’m lookin’ at you) with the best weapon we have: humor! And what better or broader avenue of humor do we have as red blooded Americans than The Simpsons? As demonstrated before, The Simpsons is Shakespearean in its ability to provide a quote for nearly every occassion. To that end, I present to you A Perfectly Cromulent Guide to Using Simpsons Quotes During Bowl Season, aka Several Awkward Moments at Your Local Bar.

(I’d like to take this time to thank the following: The Onion’s A.V. Club for giving me the idea way back when, SNPP for providing an invaluable time wasting resource, The Simpsons Gallery for the screen caps, and my two former roommates, without whom I might’ve learned something in college instead of just playing poker and quoting The Simpsons.)

(And my mommy. She doesn’t know anything about the show, but she’s still pretty cool.)

*****

Quote: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Episode: “A Milhouse Divided” (12/1/96)
Context on the show: Milhouse is concerned about his parents’ strained relationship. Schoolyard bully Kearney consoles him by saying, “Ah, you’ll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.” Then his son, who’s a spitting image of dad, cheerfully pipes in with the above quote.
When to use: Whenever a coach or talking head is discussing a new wrinkle that hasn’t gone quite the way everyone hoped it would.
Example: Coach: “Well, Bob, some might say that the addition of elements of the spread offense to our packages might’ve led to that three hundred percent increase in fumbles, but they don’t take into account the extra six yards of rushing per game we’ve achieved.” You: “I sleep in a drawer!”
Notes: Must be said in happy, high pitched voice. In fact, only Ralph Wiggum’s voice will do.

Quote: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Episode: “Radioactive Man” (9/24/95)
Context on the show: During filming of the climactic set piece in the action movie Radioactive Man the director gives the following instructions: “OK, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that’s real acid, so I want to see goggles, people!” Fallout Boy has disappeared from the set, however, and film star Rainier Wolfcastle is promptly carried away by a titanic wave of acid whilst screaming the above.
When to use: After a brutally ugly play, particularly if said play was the result of someone simply not showing up. Alternatively, this can be used as a catchall phrase whenever you see anything unpleasant (ex. Charlie Weis in a jumpsuit).
Example: During a crucial third and long your team’s offensive tackle throws a “lookout!” block. Result: sack. You: “My eyes… the goggles, they do nothing!”
Notes: A thick German accent helps (Wolfcastle is a parody of the Governator). Also, if an obvious pattern of suckitude from one particular player or situation develops it is acceptable to preempt said suckitude with “Real acid?”, a question Wolfcastle asks the director after the aforementioned instructions. Think deer in the headlights of a truck carrying acid.