We have no run game. Waitaminute… Hallelujah, we have no run game!

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I wasn’t at the Rose Bowl, sadly enough. My family had a ticket for me but dipping my liver in sweet, sweet, corrosive Jack Daniel’s in the Bay Area with my best friends took precedent. Since there was no way I’d be flying on the day of the Rose Bowl I had to settle for a random house in San Jose. It was a weird moment seeing the Granddaddy on television after being there the last three times the Trojans played in Pasadena. I’ll not lie: I felt more than a bit queasy prior to kickoff. Chalk that up to nervousness (Michigan is still a good team) and queasiness (see: whiskey). And though I didn’t predict a USC loss outright, I did mention to everyone I knew that this was the first time since the 2003 opener at Jordan-Hare Stadium that I thought the Trojans’ chances to win the game were less than fifty percent.

None of that stopped me from betting a combined $240 on my beloved football team. There might be, might be $300 in my bank account right now.

Yes, I am stupid. Gloriously, happily stupid.

Me.

So stupid.

Let me get all the negatives off my chest right now.

ABC/ESPN crew practically begging Dwayne Jarrett to declare early? Stupid, and immoral. Should also be illegal, but as Brent Musberger is now the de facto Keith Jackson in ABC/ESPN’s eyes it is already the cruellest joke there is and borders on serial killers laughing at us on podcasts: we can’t stop them and, because they’re podcasts, we’ll still listen. Still… stop. You’re hurting us.

Speaking of Jarrett? Not so much stupid as simply not not a prick. When you have a game like he did I suppose you can do anything short of urinating on the cornerback you just left gasping for air (see: Michael Irvin circa ‘86) but I’d rather not see that type of thing. It makes USC look like a team I’d just as soon it not look like (see: Miami circa forever). Jarrett should’ve been the one flagged on his second touchdown, not Michigan safety Willis Barringer. Barringer was completely in his rights to hit Jarrett as it didn’t even look late, and besides you might as well try to strip the ball from the receiver. Especially if said receiver is holding out the ball like it’s made of poo. Jarrett was acting like the pigskin doesn’t need to be cradled the way all American babies and footballs ought to be cradled: with pride, love, overpowering parental instincts and high and tight arm musculature so as not to be dislodged by d-linemen and errant drunk uncles. Also, I guess babies are kinda made of poo most of the time but whatever: stop those shenanigans this instant, mister! Or else we might take away your NCAA eligibility and force you to declare for the NFL draft! Something something.

Why must outstanding defensive players like Brian Cushing insist on celebrating when they should be fumble recovering? Example…

Was USC placekicker Mario Danelo taking a page out of the Arizona State point shaving handbook, and if so why didn’t I get the memo? The over was indeed covered but, still, Mario! I only have two testes and if each one decides to hide in shame in my inguinal canal after a missed PAT, I’m pretty sure you can do the math on the casualty toll for my little boys.

What the hell, Kyle Williams? Oh, wait. UCLA flashback. Carry on.

Same thing, only with praise. And more second person pronouns.

Kirk Herbstreit: Thank you for falling on the twin swords Musberger and Davie, or, as I like to refer to them, Evil. Again and again you have proved yourself to be the nation’s best big game personality and analyst (if anyone thinks they’re the same, go to the back of the line). It looks like you’ve got some competition, though, as Doug Flutie is quickly shooting up past the other rookies (see: Howard, Desmond) and the incompetent (see: Howard, Desmond) and the simply mind bogglingly improbable (see: James, Craig).

Dwayne Jarrett: Since I know you read this blog regularly, DJ, no hard feelings: don’t pay any attention to my criticism above and instead simply pause and pat yourself on the back for showing up big time to every big game you’ve ever played (not counting your first one versus Virginia Tech, since whasshisface Bush decided on that day he liked the yellow rays of Earth’s sun and that whole last scion of Krypton thing). You are an animal, and I hope you don’t go the way of Mike Williams. In case you are unsure, that’s not necessarily me saying you shouldn’t declare. I’m just saying once you do declare please don’t suck. Or go to the Lions, which is very much the same thing. Good luck with your (chuckle) decision and thanks for making every prayer jump ball over the last three years not so much a prayer as a formality. And you will always be a goofy 17 year old in my mind thanks to your freshman year headshot in the media guide. You know, the one where you looked like someone just ran over your dog? Way to pull through the homesickness by demoralizing defenses everywhere. In case you haven’t figured out: I heart you so much.

Brian Cushing: Okay, okay, you can celebrate as much as you want when you live up to your position name. Which is Elephant.

Mario Danelo: Don’t worry ’bout it my man, my lads like to come back out after a successful field goal. Since you made two that means I’m fertile again!

Kyle Williams: I cried little boy tears everytime I considered your matchup versus Michigan’s All-American LaMarr Woodley. Yesterday I heard his name twice: once in the intro (Musberger: “Gurgle gurgle vodka gurgle that’s LaMarr Woodley, the Wolverines’ standout defensive end gurgle vodka gurgle”) and once when someone, probably Brent, mentioned how he wasn’t being mentioned (someone: “LaMarr Woodley’s been neutralized gurgle”). There have been many, many Trojan offensive tackles I would still pick ahead of you but none have surprised me so pleasantly and thoroughly as you did yesterday. And that includes the time Jacob Rogers showed up to my birthday with a $20 Jamba Juice gift card. Jamba Juice. You beat that by a mile: thanks.

Random T&A.

(HT: the MZone, those lovable low lifes)

More to come tomorrow after I sleep off this recalcitrant booze.

“Recalcitrant” and “booze” in the same bolded sentence makes me so turned on I’m heading for the whiskey as we speak.

More hath cometh.

I’m not sure if there’s one overarching theme to the Rose Bowl. Despite the increasingly confusing loss to UCLA most everyone agrees that USC is still Punch-Out!! Mike Tyson-ish, except the ‘06 Trojans had a tendency to drop a game or two to Piston Honda (or maybe Don Flamenco). Still, “scary” is probably the word I’m looking for. The final score was kind of surprising but, as many have probably pointed out already, it’s Southern California.

That doesn’t mean redemption doesn’t play into the equation, though. Kyle Williams could probably tell you that. More important to USC fans was the playcalling of co-offensive coordinators Lane Kiffin and Steve Sarkisian or, as some have dubbed them, the Antichrist. I prefer to call them by the vaguely anime villainish nom-de-plume Sarkiffian.

To preface all this let’s take a look at your average fan’s verbal stream-of-consciousness during a game:

First down. Run it. Run it! Shit. We can’t block for crap. Why are we always in second and eight? It makes no sense to run it when the defense is penetrating so hard. Oh, come on. Why is our fullback in? We need to get six or more yards and make it third and short. That defense lives and breathes for third and long. Slants you stupid jackasses! Throw the goddamn sla- nice catch! Nice! Nice catch! Who was that? Yes! I told you: our fullback has amazing hands. He’ll be a second rounder for sure. That’s what they call a modified slant, except it’s more like a curl. Or a hook. But really it’s a slant. Okay, okay, third and one. The defense knows what’s coming. Pass! Bootleg sprintout and throw it to the flat. It’s unstoppable if executed right. Pass it! We have to go against tendency. Pass it! No, don’t bring in the short yardage guy. Pass it! Way to fucking advertise you dipshits. Bootleg rollout and throw the wheel! God the defense knows the run is com- YES! YES! Run that ball you mothers! I love it! Yes! Redzone, baby. Three runs and we’re in!

Now let’s Joyce that up… so.

–Beautiful day, Coyle said.

–Yes. There’s a sight of fog there, but not so much as to worry. Yately, come toward! Hush! He’s gone forward with the ball. What do you think on that? Will said.

–Bless us, O Lord, and these thy receivers.

–You’re a nonce, Blake Mulligan said. If ever there was a worry there’s your culprit. Run, run, run, he says! Strike your mouth. Honeysuckle’s too much for a fool.

Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis.

He turned towards Coyle and spoke in an angry voice, narrowing his shoulders and cradling his arms:

–This morning deserves sweet cream and blackberries, but will that be our lot? No. Instead we have muddled grass and glass orbs. No vision of the field but a field full of visions! Errant throw, and now I hunger for a sign. Likely we’ll see another dropped ball. Lo!

Omnes vulnerant, ultima necat.

–What say you fellows? Will cried. This poor stuff: is it fit?

–No! they cried in chorus. But let us recall our fourth down percentage, and hope! For ever was there a just God, and He our savior.

And now let’s distill all of that into a simple, single sentence:

I do not know what I am talking about, and yet I still speak.

I took part in some Sarkiffian bashing after the UCLA game. We all did. After Florida State dropped 44 on the Bruins the heat increased. Some USC fans seem hell bent on woe-ing themselves into oblivion, unable to believe Norm Chow left (was forced out of… left… was forced out of… etc.) the program. The gloom gathered. It didn’t help that Michigan featured the number one run defense in the nation.

It still probably features the number one run defense in the nation. Because, as the title of this post suggests, thank God USC had no run game in the Rose Bowl.

I’ll not pretend that I would’ve been happy if someone had told me that USC would abandon the run during a 3-3 stalemate and pass 27 times on the next 29 plays, the other two being quarterback sneaks. (For those who’ve read all the game summaries, that stat seems like a horribly funny echo now.) I probably would’ve pulled out my hair and cried like a little girl whilst gently rocking myself to sleep as I awaited the fifteen thousand or so blitzes that awaited John David Booty and his offensive line. The handfuls of tufted hair in San Jose are evidence that I went down that route until it dawned on me about the same time it dawned on you, the Average Fan:

This is working. Great Odin’s beard, this is working!

Don’t get me wrong. Blind obedience to anyone, even Norm Chow, even Pete Carroll, is not my forte. I firmly believe that Sarkiffian fucked up big time against UCLA. I also firmly believe that after this particular drive…

USC at 7:37
1st and 10 at USC 15 John David Booty pass complete to Steve Smith for 26 yards to the USC 41 for a 1ST down.
1st and 10 at USC 41 John David Booty pass complete to Dwayne Jarrett for 29 yards to the Mich 30 for a 1ST down.
1st and 10 at MICH 30 John David Booty pass complete to Fred Davis for 23 yards to the Mich 7 for a 1ST down.
1st and Goal at MICH 7 John David Booty pass complete to Steve Smith for 7 yards for a TOUCHDOWN.
Mario Danelo extra point GOOD.
DRIVE TOTALS: USC drive: 4 plays 85 yards, 01:10 USC TD

… no one gets to say anything about Lane Kiffin and Steve Sarkisian for a long time. Maybe even a month. The Trojans had a two touchdown lead and could have been content with running out the clock in a futile flurry of short gains and maybe a few passes. Instead they marched down the field from their own 15 and with passes of 26, 29, 23 (one handed!) and 7 yards ended the game as effectively as one belligerent swipe of a chess board makes a child prodigy cry. I am proud to have witnessed that belligerent swipe, and proud to have seen that child cry. On January 1, that child was Michigan: so swollen with pride in its Asperger-like ability to do one thing well (run, stop the run, rook sacrifices, etc.) that it felt really, really good to not play by the rules and instead use what some might call an unorthodox approach: unannounced swatting of the board off the table, and throwing the ball 93% of the time. We beat the crap out of that kid, and his overbearing parents!

Nerds. Nerds! NERDS! NERDS!!!

And on a classier note…

Great job by so many seniors and oft-ignored players: Steve Smith, Chris McFoy, Ryan Kalil, Mike Brittingham (who cares about the block in the back? I just dug the catch and run), Clay Matthews, Fili Moala, Oscar Lua, Terrell Thomas, Nick Garratt (nice kickoff tackle you walk-on madman) and, of course, Kyle Williams. There are probably others, but I’m tired.

Bloggers have kidnapped my son.

Is there some sort of dark college football blogging cabal I’m not aware of? Because if there is, I want in. Badly. The Rose Bowl announcers talked about bloggers in general and Michigan bloggers in particular. Brian hasn’t updated since the game. My conclusion? He is covered head to toe in inky black camo, fingers splayed in electrical taped homicidal rage, scaring every ninja he meets as he creeps slowly towards Glendale, Arizona, and he is carrying big fucking cleavers and uzis. Which are themselves armed with rusty shivs and infectious disease infested syringes. He’s coming for you, Musberger. He’s a comin’. And, yes, there are a number of ninjas on the interstate highways between Pasadena and Glendale.

Oh, by the way…

It seems like a good time to announce that next season I will be driving through the lower forty-eight in a 14 week long odyssey that will take me across too many state lines to count.

September 1, Colorado vs. Colorado State (Denver, Colorado)
September 8, Miami at Oklahoma (Norman, Oklahoma) or TCU at Texas (Austin, Texas)
September 15, USC at Nebraska (Lincoln, Nebraska)
September 22, Iowa at Wisconsin (Madison, Wisconsin) or Northwestern at Ohio State (Columbus, Ohio)
September 29, Any suggestions? Preferably something that will get me on my way to Dallas.
October 6, Oklahoma vs. Texas (Dallas, Texas)… yeah, might be too far and I might not get a ticket, but eff it!
October 13, Any suggestions? Preferably something that will get me on my way to South Bend.
October 20, USC at Notre Dame (South Bend, Indiana)
October 27, Florida vs. Georgia (Jacksonville, Florida)… again, yeah, might be too far and I might not get a ticket, but eff it!
November 3, Middle Tennessee at LSU (Baton Rouge, Louisiana)
November 10, LSU at Alabama (Tuscaloosa, Alabama)
November 17, Vanderbilt at Tennessee (Knoxville, Tennessee)
November 24, Florida State at Florida (Gainesville, Florida)
December 1, ACC, SEC or Big East Championship Game? Will I still have a car at this point? Will I even be conscious?

This is a very tentative schedule and it needs major refinement. My goal is to get a look at football in the other BCS conferences: the ACC, Big XII, Big East, Big Ten and SEC. I would also like to see if I can catch a few Thursday night games involving the MAC, the WAC, etc. The Big East also seems like a candidate for this.

Actually, amend the above to my goal is to get a look at football in America. This schedule is full of some amazing games and I don’t really mind if some don’t happen. I expect that’ll be the case. I hope to end up somewhere I never expected to be (the gutter is eligible). I’m looking to tailgate, discuss football, visit shrines, learn fight songs, paint my face, carry a big foam finger, sample barbeque along several longitudes and generally get a feel for other people’s experience of what I believe to be the greatest sport on Earth.

Suggestions (stadiums, games, bars, watering holes, dives, etc.) are welcome. Expect a post about this in the next few months as schools release their 2007 schedules.

No, this wasn’t an idea hatched because of alcohol and New Year’s. Yes, this is the single greatest thing a man will ever do. Wish me luck and maybe a free ticket or twelve.

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