Cancer cured: “I am not going to cure cancer,” says Saban

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TUSCALOOSA, AL - The world is rejoicing in the wake of new Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s declaration that he is “not going to cure cancer”. Though some scientists have urged restraint and a wait-and-see approach, international celebrations are already underway.

Saban, above, symbolically does away with lung cancer.

A large portion of the scientific community, though, has been quietly pushing this possibility since the discovery of the Saban Reverse Probability Theory, which states that “All things being equal, the probability of an event is directly proportional to Nick Saban’s denial of such an event.”

The theory was first postulated in the wake of Saban’s hiring by Alabama athletic director Mal Moore on January 4. This came exactly three weeks after Saban - then the head coach of the Miami Dolphins - emphatically stated, “I guess I have to say it. I’m not going to be Alabama’s coach.”

“When we heard [Saban] was hired [by Alabama] we were floored,” said Nobel laureate David Gross, director of the Kavli Institute for Theoretical Physics at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “He said one thing, and then the complete opposite occured. We immediately postulated that Nick has a direct line to the workings of the very stuff of the universe, capable of destroying the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in one fell swoop. If Nick says it’s a particle, it must be a wave. If he says it’s a wave, it must be a particle. The man is a modern day bizarro-oracle.”

Continued Gross: “Normally scientists need a large data set to work with and verifiable results on a wide spread basis to help prove our theories, but this was clearly an exception. Cancer is cured, everybody! Cigarettes and cell phones for everyone!”

Gross then gorged himself on a delicious plate of crispy bacon.

Once Saban has cured cancer, many groups and bodies - including the U.S. government - hope to persuade the fifty-five year old coach to deny the following desperately needed possibilities:

• peace in our time
• enough food for all
• a stable Africa
• an end to all forms of discrimination
• universal love of one’s fellow man
• a college football playoff
• fuller bags of chips without a deceitful cushion of air

Gross cautioned against unfounded optimism, though, noting that “some things are just never going to happen.”

Said Gross: “Not even Nick Saban can give us an eight team playoff. And you can forget about opening a bag of Doritos and seeing every single square inch of space taken up by lucious Cooler Ranch succulence. That’s just not how the universe works.”

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