So it’s time to bring this thing back. Most of the hits for this blog are from Miami Ink searches. Anyone who stumbles on this post is thus either a) looking for a tattoo or b) my friend. If you’re my friend looking for a tattoo, please split into two different entities because I really don’t appreciate it when you reduce my hit count.

I leave for Europe (Lagos, Portugal, specifically) on Tuesday. The dispatches from the continent will occur here. Rectify your non-reading of this blog starting… now.

I’ve set up a new college football based blog: 82 Sluggo Win.

I plan on keeping this one going for other pursuits, but there won’t be any college football here. (Which is a lie. Kinda like a heroin addict promising to get rid of all his spoons and belts.)

I’m pretty sure I’ll be voting in the USC bloc for next year’s BlogPoll, and I wanted to set up a site reflecting that. For right now I’ll be doing most of my writing at the new blog, which is odd: as a friend pointed out, I had the foresight to create a college football blog immediately after the end of the college football season.

Anyway, I leave you with temporary parting words of wisdom and solace.

And just so I can file this post in the beards category, yes, I’m still growing one.

COLUMBUS, OHIO - In anticipation of unchecked rioting following formerly top ranked Ohio State’s 41-14 loss to the University of Florida in the Tostitos BCS title game, local authorities have requested logistical aid from nearby Bartertown and its diumvirate, Master and Blaster.

Master, right, with Blaster.

Columbus mayor Michael B. Coleman stressed that these were only “precautionary measures”, noting that the city has avoided handing power over to the neighboring outpost “for almost more than three seasons now”. The two cities have existed in an uneasy relationship due to their close proximity to the area’s largest quarry of rocks and metal bits. There has also been an ongoing dispute over watering rights, specifically Larry’s well.

“Though we have had our differences in the past, Bartertown is a friend and an ally in our time of need. We welcome them with open arms,” said Coleman.

It appears the mayor has little choice. Though machete and shotgun wielding bandits have been a common sight in this part of Ohio for years, experts say the situation can only get worse after the Buckeyes were humiliated by Florida on national television. Within thirty minutes of the final play of the game heavily armed dune buggies, semi-trailer trucks and motorcycles ripped through downtown Columbus, shooting at one another in a desperate bid for gasoline and ammunition. Several police officers reported a gang of nearly forty mohawked, leather clad bikers taking up position in front of an all-night liquor store. The officers warned that the looters looked armed and “extremely Australian”.

“Everything is under control,” Coleman said. “We have plenty of fuel. We have plenty of fuel.”

Municipal services such as bucket repair and oiled rag distribution have been halted in several parts of the city. Some residents are fearing the worst and have refused to answer the daily summons to Columbus’ iron mines, citing the state of city roads as “too fiery” for travel. Though Coleman and his office have thus far denied a ceding of governmental powers to Master and Blaster the continued existence of the city is evidence that nearby Bartertown is deeply involved.

Though Bartertown’s two rulers have professed “blessed benevolence”, their good will has not stopped them from demonstrating their control over Columbus by randomly issuing energy embargoes. Over the past several hours the city’s six buildings were periodically crippled by a lack of power, forcing Coleman to quietly plead with his former rivals. Subtlety was not Master and Blaster’s intention, though, and their confrontation with the mayor proved dramatic even in a night featuring motorcycles flying through the air and men pitted against one another in Columbus’ last remaining library, a hemi-spherical skeleton dome used for book lending and gladiatorial combat.

The three got into a heated argument atop the city’s last remaining staircase, with several witnesses reporting that Master cried out “Who run Columbus?” from his perch atop the helmet clad, seven foot tall Blaster. His demand was echoed several times despite Coleman’s repeated response that Master was indeed in charge of the city and its 1.9 million inhabitants.

After much prompting to “say it” Coleman finally broke down and screamed, “Master Blaster runs Columbus!”

Power was restored soon after, though not until Master’s order of “lift embargo” was given. Local authorities say it will be some time until Columbus’ hog methane generators are back to their pre-bowl game levels, and until then the city is at the mercy of Bartertown’s diminutive leader and his silent giant.

“Our pig feces production was crippled [by the loss]. You’d be surprised how much swine depend on their confidence in order to produce industrial amounts of shit. Half the power grid went down when Troy [Smith] threw that interception,” Columbus Department of Energy director Harold Weitz said.

Weitz was then bound up and gagged by nearby bandoliered strongmen who explained that Weitz had “bust[ed] a deal” and would “face the wheel” before dragging him off.

Despite the difficult position his city is in, Coleman is optimistic.

“We’re a strong people, a strong community. Though Buckeye fans everywhere are disappointed, we know that there will be other seasons. [Ohio State] coach [Jim] Tressel would tell us we need to keep our heads up, so that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re going to be alright. We’re gonna get to Tomorrow-morrow Land,” Coleman said as he watched his chief of staff Guy Worley strapped onto a large metal disc mounted into a frame marked with various punishments.

Reflecting on Ohio State’s performance in the national championship game, though, Coleman sounded less than enthused: “Two men entered, one man left. We were not that man.”

“Fuck Michigan,” he added.

I’m told a thin film of food product is healthy for the more delicate reaches of the face: cucumbers on the eyes, maybe a mask of yogurt if you’re a hippie (or yoghurt if you’re one of those hippies that likes emphasizing the heuristic wonders of pretentious spelling), etc.

I’m not sure if flecks of shell help, though. Egg all over my face.

It’s not often that a prediction is exposed as a farce on the very first play of the game, but Ted Ginn, Jr. upped the data sample by one tonight: a fluid 93 yard kickoff returned for a touchdown. The starting kickoff. I said he’d have 0 yards on such returns, banking on touchbacks or even a deliberate kick out-of-bounds here and there. Whoops.

Similar mistakes made with Heisman winner Troy Smith, the oft-criticized Chris Leak, the overall impact of special teams… pretty much everything. I can’t even hang my hat on Florida kicker John Hetland shanking his way to 1 of 3. Instead? He was nails, booting that faux leather through the uprights like someone who previously wasn’t a complete and utter fuck up in doing such things. And Hetland was that before tonight (4 for 13 prior to his molestation of the pigskin in Glendale).

I can take solace in the fact that it seemed like the majority of experts, pundits, etc. picked Ohio State. And no one - no one - predicted that Troy Smith would have such a horrible game. (Was it horrible? It was emphatically horrible, but more so for a guy from whom anything less than a good to transcendent performance would be shocking, from the guy who absolutely shredded Texas and Michigan, from the Heisman Trophy winne- Okay, maybe that last one isn’t surprising but the rest was.) And many people noted that if Florida was to win one of the deciding factors would be if Chris Leak triumphed over Evil Chris Leak and finally delivered that performance we all expected when he signed with Florida in 2003… but you’d be hard pressed to find that many people also willing to bet he would do such a thing. 55-60% completion, maybe. 200 yards certainly. A high probability of a positive touchdown to interception ratio, sure. But to completely outclass the Heisman winner in the title game? I think a lot of people outside of Gainesville are surprised. Hell, I think maybe more people in Gainesville are surprised.

Oh, and that defense. They’re decent.

In retrospect I should’ve just gone against my instincts, my cursed instincts. Those instincts told me that it would take a fourth quarter triumph to beat Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl, that USC would breeze past Texas by three scores, that Michigan was a better than fifty percent chance to win.

Stupid instincts! You go squish now!

And just to show how wrong I was, a look back at some of my more inaccurate pieces this past season:

“You have 72 hours to give me the Genesis Device,” says Tressel to U.N., NCAA
Meyer demands rock-paper-scissors showdown in lieu of BCS title game
Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense

Congrats, Florida.

Ohio State
Troy Smith: 21/32 passing, 270 yards, 3 TD, 1 interception, 15 yards net rushing (2 carries, 2 sacks).
Ted Ginn: 4 catches, 74 yards, 0 TD, 4 punt returns for 56 yards, 0 kickoff returns for 0 yards.
Anthony Gonzalez: 6 catches, 83 yards, 2 TD.
Antonio Pittman/Chris Wells: 128 yards net rushing (24 carries, 1 TD).
Quinn Pitcock: 4 total tackles, 2 TFL, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble.

Florida
Chris Leak: 24/36 passing, 292 yards, 2 TD, 1 interception, negative 12 yards rushing (2 carries, 4 sacks), 1 fumble.
Andre Caldwell: 7 catches, 128 yards, 1 TD.
Tim Tebow: 2/3 passing, 37 yards, 0 TD, 0 interceptions, 29 yards net rushing (6 carries, 0 sacks, 1 TD).
Percy Harvin: 4 catches, 65 yards, 1 TD, 26 yards net rushing (4 rushes, 0 TD).
Reggie Nelson: 6 total tackles, 1 pass broken up, 1 forced fumble.

Here’s how it’ll go: Smith will put on a clinic with accuracy and the willingness to throw the ball away if nothing presents itself, utilizing four and five receiver sets. Leak’ll do just fine but he’ll connect on only one long bomb (to Caldwell). Both quarterbacks will throw interceptions, but only after they’re tipped.

The game will look fairly equal except for two things: Smith will get first downs on a consistent basis without turnovers (3 lost for Florida as opposed to 1 for Ohio State), and the kicking. Ohio State’s going to make two field goals on two attempts. Florida? They’ll get 1/3, with the sole success a 23 yard chip shot from Chris Hetland. He will push a 35 yarder and a 32 yarder, stealing whatever momentum the Gators have from consistently driving into Buckeye territory. Other than the major placekicking problems neither team is going to dominate in special teams.

Tempe, Arizona - Recently hired Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson is excited about his new job, and he isn’t afraid to show it.

“We have a first class football environment here at ASU,” Erickson gushed during a Thursday press conference.

“Great facilities, a passionate fanbase, membership in a first rate athletic conference [Pacific-10] and a commitment to excellence from the administration all the way down to the student trainers. I couldn’t be in a better position.”

Erickson is also excited about his new account with Monster.com, the online resume and employment database. Erickson’s 20 year old nephew, Mike, signed him up for the service last week.

“Monster.com will allow me to find a better position,” Erickson enthused.

Erickson, above, was “overwhelmed” with Monster.com’s features, particularly the resume builder

The fifty-nine year old coach is beginning his seventh tenure with a college team in twenty-five years. Erickson also coached a total of six seasons with two franchises in the NFL.

“I haven’t felt this much passion for a new job since my last job. I can’t wait to get started here at ASU. Recruiting, practicing, drawing up game plans… it’s all coming back to me now. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a fresh start, and I intend to make the most out of it,” said Erickson, who until Dec. 12 coached at Idaho University before leaving for the Sun Devils. Erickson was with the Vandals a total of ten months.

ASU athletic director Lisa Love stressed a mutual commitment in Erickson’s hire.

“Make no mistake: this isn’t just a platform for Dennis to jump off to another, better head coaching job. Yes, he’s done exactly that eight separate times. He’s even abandoned teams after a single season on several occasions. But I am if nothing else a strict legaltarian, so Coach Erickson was made to pinkie swear with both pinkies,” Love said.

“Both pinkies,” she added.

The well traveled coach expressed enthusiasm not just for his new job and Monster.com account, but also for the overflow of disciplined young athletes in Tempe. Erickson stressed that with such a “strong” group all that’s needed is teamwork and “the proper technique”.

“To move in the right direction, we need to remember that the old saying holds true: lift with your legs, not your back’,” said Erickson. “If they heed my advice, I really believe these kids are going to help me transition smoothly.”

TUSCALOOSA, AL - The world is rejoicing in the wake of new Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s declaration that he is “not going to cure cancer”. Though some scientists have urged restraint and a wait-and-see approach, international celebrations are already underway.

Saban, above, symbolically does away with lung cancer.

A large portion of the scientific community, though, has been quietly pushing this possibility since the discovery of the Saban Reverse Probability Theory, which states that “All things being equal, the probability of an event is directly proportional to Nick Saban’s denial of such an event.”

The theory was first postulated in the wake of Saban’s hiring by Alabama athletic director Mal Moore on January 4. This came exactly three weeks after Saban - then the head coach of the Miami Dolphins - emphatically stated, “I guess I have to say it. I’m not going to be Alabama’s coach.”

“When we heard [Saban] was hired [by Alabama] we were floored,” said Nobel laureate David Gross, director of the Kavli Institute for Theoretical Physics at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “He said one thing, and then the complete opposite occured. We immediately postulated that Nick has a direct line to the workings of the very stuff of the universe, capable of destroying the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in one fell swoop. If Nick says it’s a particle, it must be a wave. If he says it’s a wave, it must be a particle. The man is a modern day bizarro-oracle.”

Continued Gross: “Normally scientists need a large data set to work with and verifiable results on a wide spread basis to help prove our theories, but this was clearly an exception. Cancer is cured, everybody! Cigarettes and cell phones for everyone!”

Gross then gorged himself on a delicious plate of crispy bacon.

Once Saban has cured cancer, many groups and bodies - including the U.S. government - hope to persuade the fifty-five year old coach to deny the following desperately needed possibilities:

• peace in our time
• enough food for all
• a stable Africa
• an end to all forms of discrimination
• universal love of one’s fellow man
• a college football playoff
• fuller bags of chips without a deceitful cushion of air

Gross cautioned against unfounded optimism, though, noting that “some things are just never going to happen.”

Said Gross: “Not even Nick Saban can give us an eight team playoff. And you can forget about opening a bag of Doritos and seeing every single square inch of space taken up by lucious Cooler Ranch succulence. That’s just not how the universe works.”

Multiple sources including ESPN News and the Los Angeles Times report USC junior placekicker Mario Danelo was found dead in San Pedro, Calif.

Mario walked on and backed up Ryan Killeen during USC’s 2003 and 2004 title runs. He was named the starting kicker in ‘05 and I’m pretty sure he set an NCAA record for PATs attempted that season, earning a scholarship along the way. He never had a strong leg, but he was consistent.

That’s not really what I’ll remember him for, though. I met him twice, both times in 2005: the first during the Salute to Troy, an annual event in which players meet fans and vice versa, and the second during a scrimmage. Both times he was kinda off by himself, doing his thing, being a kicker. We spoke only once, at the Salute to Troy, and he was humble and well spoken and entirely shocked at people recognizing who he was.

Well, it was pretty easy. You could spot his smile a football field away.

He kicked two field goals against the Michigan Wolverines on January 1.

My condolences to the Danelo family.

Mario, the night I spoke to him. (Thanks to Joe Andras of WeAreSC.com for the picture.)

[EDIT: Here's some info on the funeral courtesy of Garry Paskewitz of WeAreSC.com...

Friday, Jan. 12, 10:30 a.m.

Mary Star of the Sea Catholic Church
870 West 8th St.
San Pedro, CA 90731

Reception following at Doubletree Hotel San Pedro
2800 Via Cabrillo Marina
San Pedro, CA 90731

There is no official fund set up by the USC athletic department yet, but there is one with the Thundering Herd. They're the fans who sit in sections 11 and 13 on either side of the tunnel. If you have information on either feel free to email me or just comment with the relevant details.]

SAN ANTONIO, TX - The Federal Communications Commission issued a record quarter million dollar fine to NBC for “egregious and graphic oral servicing of the University of Notre Dame” during a live telecast of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, a prestigious high school all-star game which featured seventy-eight of the nation’s best prep school players. The FCC also recommended recruiting analyst Tom Lemming be waterboarded.

“Preferably with drain water from [Tennessee coach Phil] Fulmer’s shower, but we are in consultation,” FCC chairman Kevin Martin said. “Phil has given his full support. He’s promised that if we need him to, he’d use gravy instead of soap. He actually seemed kind of eager.”

Lemming, above, pleads for more Fighting Irish phallus

Notre Dame has an exclusive television contract with NBC, giving millions of viewers across the country the ability to tune in to Saturday afternoon games featuring the nation’s greatest football program in the history of the nation and football programs. This is the first time the network has been fined for bobbing on the Catholic institution’s knob during a broadcast, though.

The FCC objected to NBC’s handling of the Army All-American Bowl, particularly the following points:

• pre-game show actually just a DVD copy of Echoes of Glory: The History of Notre Dame Football played on loop
• highly touted Fighting Irish quarterback recruit Jimmy Clausen given veto power over any interceptions thrown
• creative editing which replaced footage of great performances from recruits like USC-bound Chris Galippo and Michigan recruit Ryan Mallett with a montage of Clausen eating Cheerios
• Lemming’s third quarter sacrifice of seven goats to Moloch, the bull headed pagan deity of the Levant and one of the fallen angels under Lucifer, chief adversary of the Judeo-Christian God
• a twelve minute long half time piece on Clausen’s struggle with hair gel addiction
• digital manipulation of mid-game verbal commitments, allowing Notre Dame a record thirty-seven recruits for the 2007 season
• sixteen consecutive minutes of close up footage of Clausen’s right arm
• subliminal messages found to contain slides stating: “We lost only because we’re academically better than you.”

NBC sports chairman Dick Ebersol apologized for the often graphic smoking of Notre Dame’s pole, though he attempted to mollify officials by noting that, ironically, Notre Dame is French for “Our Lady”.

“So, heh, it’s like NBC was smoking Our Lady’s pole. Which is funny, right?” Ebersol said, gingerly pulling at his collar.

“I am so, so sorry,” Ebersol added.

This is the heaviest fine for on-air cocksmanship since ESPN was slapped with a $45,000 penalty for its saliva drenched coverage of the 2005 USC Trojans.

*****

EDIT: I hate Tom Lemming and so should you. Here’s some more reading:

Recruit says he was pushed toward Notre Dame
Is FSU getting a bad rap from Tom Lemming?
On the mess that is Tom Lemming

And, the cream of the crop…
Audio: Booker and Lemming on 930 The Fox

Any man that can make a nation empathize with FSU is… impressive. Even if you’re a ‘Cane or Gator you gotta like Lorenzo Booker for the way he handled this pariah.

Columbus, Ohio - Genetically engineered tyrant and Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel issued an ultimatum to the United Nations and the NCAA on Friday morning: give him the Genesis Device within 72 hours, or face his wrath. He also demanded unlimited football scholarships for Ohio State to be installed within a period of three years. The top ranked Buckeyes play the Florida Gators in the BCS title game on Jan. 8.

Tressel with his trademark vest and swarthy Asiatic musk.

The newly revealed Genesis Device is capable of terraforming an entire planet, transforming it into a habitable environment for humans. A group of scientists who worked on the secret project, led by Mississipi head coach Ed Orgeron, spoke out after Tressel’s message was beamed to the U.N. Security Council in San Francisco.

Said Orgeron: “The Genesis Device reforms matter into a form suitable for human habitation. But that process requires the area be reduced to its subatomic components, specifically its beta-intrinsic tau-leptons and positrons, meaning the Genesis Device must destroy before it can create. Giving such a thing to a madman like Tressel would be tantamount to aiding in our own genocide. As [Manhattan Project director Robert] Oppenheimer said after the succesful detonation of the first nuclear bomb, ‘Now, I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds’.”

“Additionally, unlimited footbaw scholarships would allow him to bring the college footbaw world to its knees. In an age of increased parity we must be wary of anything that returns us to the days of coaches hoarding resources. Tressel would turn America into one gigantic Glenville High,” Orgeron added, referring to the infamous Ohio State pipeline and alma mater of Ted Ginn, Jr. and Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith.

Orgeron then took off his shirt and smeared himself with catfish and a thick molasses-bourbon mixture, undulating wildly to the sounds of banjos made of sardine cans and twine.

Politicians around the world also voiced concern over Tressel’s newest demands.

“Given his track record of dominating all around him and then installing himself as dictator-for-life over large swaths of humanity it strikes me as inadvisable” outgoing U.N. president Kofi Annan said of whether the international organization should give in to the demands of the Buckeyes coach.

“Not to mention the fact that he seems to produce a ravenous gang of chain and nail-sprouting-plywood beam wielding defensive players every year. Every goddamned year. If that’s Tressel Ball, get me on his nuts. Now,” Annan added.

Despite almost unilateral apprehension Tressel hinted in his message to the U.N. that his intentions were peaceful. He also stressed the charitable goals he had in mind.

“For too long have the wastes of Ohio lain dormant and populated only by the scourge of humanity: its misanthropic, its degenerates, its library masturbators. You will give me the Genesis Device, for I shall terraform this land. Columbus will at last be habitable,” Tressel said in the transmission.

Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr refused to believe the enigmatic supergenius’s claims.

“I’ve known Tressel for too long, and the entire time I’ve known him he’s shown himself to be nothing but cruel, hungry for power and dismissive of all those who would stand in his way. He is a monster, and he must be stopped,” said Carr, who seemed to pause dramatically between each utterance.

Carr during his 42-39 loss to Ohio State in November.

“[Tressel] is a danger to every man, woman and child in the Alpha Quadrant and the state of Michigan. I’ve fought too many battles and seen too many friends gone to want more of this wretched war, but I will not rest until that despot is captured or dead,” Carr said moments before his Ann Arbor based offices were rocked by scarlet and grey colored phaser bank and photon torpedo attacks cunningly disguised as a friendly hail.

“KHAAAAAN!” added Carr, shaking his fist while attending to the inert form of defensive coordinator Ron English.

Though Tressel would later deny involvement in the incapacitation of English, many observers were suspicious after he seemed to slip during a follow up to his original demands: “Additionally, please do not be alarmed of my meticulous satellite mapping of the state of Michigan, its industrial facilities, its infrastructure, its blue chip recruits and so on and so forth. We are merely surveying for next year’s Ohio census. From Hell’s heart I stab at thee!”

“Wait. Scratch that last part,” he quickly added.

Joel from Rocky Top Talk demands I be heard. So be it. Let all receive this warning: Brian and Orson will dominate my ballot.

Awards for Blogs

The Dr. Z Award

FOR: Cogent, interesting analysis.

CRITERIA: Emphasis placed on statistical manipulation, well researched pieces that reveal something new, and/or solid argumentative pieces that function as the authoritative last word on a subject.

This one’s easy: mgoblog’s Brian Cook. Do I even need to justify it, with features like Unverified Voracity and Upon Further Review and the Recruiting Board, all of which I read simply for the pure pleasure in massive amounts of information and well written prose interacting in a way that makes me envious Brian’s not a USC fan? Oh, wait.

The Trev Alberts Quits To Do Construction Award

FOR: comic relief; overall hilarity.

CRITERIA: The funniest college football blog.

While most would pick Every Day Should be Saturday without even thinking, I had a tough one on this. Orson’s style is pure comedy with maaaybe a minor dash of football analysis. Brian of mgoblog is high on analysis, but he has also caused snorting, giggling and laughing from me in doses not legal in an office environment. Luckily, I no longer work in an office. After some deliberation though this pick has to go to Orson. No other man could possibly compare Sylvester Croom to Unicron.

The Sports Fans Don’t Cry Award

FOR: The blog that has suffered through its chosen team’s dismal season with the most dignity.

CRITERIA: Continued engagement in the face of crippling, misery-inducing defeat. A stiff-upper lip and sane reaction to everything crumbling to dust.

A hard pick as I must admit to generally sticking to EDSBS and mgoblog on a daily basis, thus guiltily ignoring much of the college football blogging angst out there. Still, it’s hard not to go with Roll ‘Bama Roll. As much as it might seem that the woes of Alabama are created by Alabama fans themselves, this was a tough year for the Tide. Cackle if you have a perma-tent outside Jordan-Hare; otherwise, merely chuckle to self politely. This is also a pay-it-forward award for the amazing headlines and stories we’re gonna get out of Saban and a ravenous conference full of dangerously angry fans fearful of competent coaches at schools other than theirs, so thanks ‘Bama.

The Keith Jackson Circa 1995 Award

FOR: The blog with the most consistently expressive and excellent writing.

CRITERIA: Mechanical competency, yes, but the ability to turn a devastatingly funny phrase or write something compelling is probably more important. This isn’t an award for copy editing; it’s an award for kickin’ prose.

Ugh. Another toss up betwixt EDSBS and mgoblog. Winner: mgoblog. See my later pick for best post of the year.

The Brady Quinn Award

FOR: The prettiest blog, the best layout and design.

CRITERIA: An aesthetic appeal, whether from a stylish banner, a pleasing layout, or an eye-catching incorporation of blog technology.

I’ll go ahead and make this award name ironic by picking Trojan Wire: from the sweet rollover semi-depth chart that gives news on each offensive and defensive position to the drool inspiring interactive schedule in the menu bar to everything overflowing with cardinal and gold, Trojan Wire is oh so pretty. And updated. With original content. Call me a homer, but that’s my pick.

The New Blog on the Block Award

FOR: The best new college football blog.

CRITERIA: Must have launched sometime after last year’s national championship game. Transitioning to a new blog or affiliating with a network mid-stream doesn’t count.

Again, a homerish pick but whatever: Conquest Chronicles. There’s an active community there and the back and forth with Bruins Nation was both beautiful and, mainly, ugly.

The LOL, MSM Award

FOR: The blog best keeping tabs on the man and calling out all of the injustices in the college football world.

CRITERIA: Consistently ahead-of-the-curve on controversial issues in college football.

Not really adhering to the criteria here, but oh well. Fire Mark May makes me crack up no matter when I’m reading it, and that’s probably because there is a low grade ooze and smog permeating the site. Source? Pure cynicism and disdain for so much transformed into delightfully mean-spirited prose. Coming from Trev Alberts’ dome. Not even a question for me.

The Best Community Interaction Award

FOR: The blog with the best community interaction.

CRITERIA: A regular solicitation of input from readers and utilization of reader-produced content.

mgoblog. Just check out a single game thread and you’ll see why.

Awards for Posts

The Tyrone Prothro And His Amazing Catch Award

FOR: The finest individual post of the college football year.

CRITERIA: Best post for whatever reason.

Prior to the Ohio State-Michigan game, Brian wrote this post. I think the most amazing thing about it was that after reading it I felt, for an instant, exactly as if I were a Wolverine fan. He had forced by means of virulently effective prose my empathy with another college football team. That doesn’t happen unless someone dies or is maimed horribly, and even then it’s just for decorum. (Not true, but it makes me sound bad ass and without a soul.) Let me stress: by virtue of my obsession with USC football it is impossible to empathize with another program. But it happened. Also: Sufjan is good.

The Chris Berman Antimatter Award

FOR: The best contribution to the lingo of our little interniche, be it a nickname, neologism, or catchy phrase used with frequency.

CRITERIA: Spread is important. The ideal candidate has been universally adopted by anyone with cause to use the term.

“Footbaw”: not sure if Orson came up with it (pretty sure he’s been using “footbaw” whenever he does a Bob Davie impersonation… that and a large forehead and a vacant stare) or if it got started with the Coach O song. Not even sure who started the Coach O song. But Chris Vernon turned it into a flash video for YouTube… so I guess it’s him?

The Old Faithful Award

FOR: The best recurring feature of the year.

CRITERIA: The feature should be posted weekly and be generally good and stuff.

mgoblog’s Upon Further Review. Show me anything else even approaching it. Show me.

You can’t.

The That’s Not Really Real Award

FOR: The best photoshop or other counterfeit gag of the year.

CRITERIA: Could be a photoshop, a Motivational Poster, an On Notice Board, or something similar, as long as it elicited more than a mere smile.

I simply do not care if this is from the wrong year:

(Besides: he owns my soul already.)

The You Talkin’ To Me Award

FOR: The best back and forth between rival blogs the week before a rivalry game.

CRITERIA: Must be bi-directional, and both blogs must score points against each other. A unilateral beat-down will not suffice. Should be more in the spirit of fun than wildly abusive.

Have to go with the vicious, partisan and screamingly funny in-that-I’m-not-directly-involved-so-ha-ha-way invective between Conquest Chronicles and Bruins Nation. It was probably helped somewhat by the fact that the two belong to the same sports blog network, and also by the fact that Bruins everywhere wanted so badly to do anything to stop the seven year long shamefest… and then promptly did so. Then they let Florida State score 44 on them. Confusing? Yes. But funny.

Wait. Did I just describe the 13-9 loss to UCLA as funny?

The I’m Just Like You But I Have a Podcast Award

FOR: The best podcast or podcaster of the year.

CRITERIA: Uh, must be audio. And about college football, you know. Note that this is “podcast” in a really broad sense. Parody songs, incoherent ravings about Tyrone Willingham, and whatever else you’ve got are nominate-able. One restriction: it has to be self-generated.

Yeah, not really well versed in this as the only college football podcasts I listen to are Orson’s. So EDSBS it is!

Blogger Championship Series

…it’s just like that other BCS except completely different. We’ll be handing out Best Blog awards for each of the BCS conferences, plus one for mid-major coverage (including all independents other than Notre Dame), and one for more general, national coverage blogs. After long debate we decided to put Notre Dame blogs in with the Big East, as the “non-BCS” category is supposed to be an award for mid-majors, which Notre Dame is certainly not. Since ND shares bowl affiliations with the Big East and plays the rest of their sports there, it seemed the logical choice.

I got nothing to add here. I cut and pasted so I figure I’ll just keep it as is.

The I Wanna Talk About Me Free for All

The I Wanna Talk About Me Free for All is designed primarily to spread the love in case it doesn’t naturally happen some other way and to serve as the season’s Round Up of Round Ups. Each blogger, no matter who they are, must identify their three best posts of the year. I’ll round `em up, and compile the entire thing. If it kills me. And it might.

Ah, well. Hmmm. I’d have to pick some fake news stuff, so…

Meyer demands rock-paper-scissors showdown in lieu of BCS title game [Dec. 19, 2006]
Mark Richt breaks long silence on breasts or ass debate: “I’m definitely an ass man” [June 13, 2006]
Urban Meyer introduces new “leave before Chris Leak gets on the bus” offense [May 31, 2006]

I was really pleased with the first because it reads exactly like a loopy profile piece you’d find in ESPN the Mag. The second one was about as random and lurid as I got and it was pretty funny reading the emails some Georgia fans sent me. The third pick is there because I felt it was my first really complete fake article, whatever that means. Yes, they’re all about the SEC. What can I say? It’s practically a blood tragedy down there.

Glendale, Arizona - A recent survey conducted by USA Today showed that nearly eighty-five percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish are the New York Yankees of getting their asses kicked on national television.”

“Mostly on NBC thanks to their exclusive contract, but as the [Jan. 3] Sugar Bowl demonstrated Notre Dame football is comfortable being humiliated on FOX,” University of Wisconsin professor Willard Bynum said. “They are extremely versatile.”

The Fighting Irish are well known for their perseverance in the face of victory.

Bynum is head of the Center for Reticulated Analysis of Sports Statistics in Automated Enclaves, which helped USA Today collect the survey data.

Continued Bynum: “These findings are not a surprise to anyone who follows college football or the field of reticulated analysis of sports statistics in automated enclaves. Similar studies have shown data like this for years now and the [41-14] loss to Louisiana State really cemented it: if anyone’s the Yankees of getting owned in front of millions of television viewing fans, it’s Notre Dame.”

“They are dog poo. It’s science,” added Bynum.

When asked to account for the remaining fifteen percent who did not agree with the survey’s statement, Bynum noted that polls of this nature always have a margin of error. Bynum also noted that nearly three hundred of the seventeen hundred opinions taken were from a “Regis P.” of New York City.

“He wouldn’t get off the phone. He was sobbing so much we felt sorry and just kind of tossed empiricism out the door. Our bad,” said Bynum.

The Yankees are considered one of the premier sports franchises in the world and lead all North American professional teams with twenty-six titles. For many they are the barometer of success, both on and off the field. This has led to wide spread animosity towards the Bronx Bombers, so much so that “Yankees suck!” has become a common chant no matter where the storied franchise plays.

“Hating the Yankees is a national pastime,” noted baseball historian George Will.

“They have the most World Series wins, the most Hall of Famers, the biggest payroll. It goes on and on. They have a long history and with that a mythic dimension to anything they do. You hate them, but you also have to respect their enduring success in the sport of baseball. To that extent Notre Dame is exactly like the Yankees: the history, the championships, hogging all the money, the myths, the enduring success. Except that instead of being really good at baseball, the Irish are really good at fucking up big time on a scarily consistent basis. It’s an easy comparison to make.”

Will also pointed out that every major league team and fan is especially eager to beat the Yankees, even in a down year.

“Anyone who says they don’t get a special feeling by winning at Yankee Stadium in front of all those pinstripes is lying. In the same way everyone hates the Bronx Bombers, everyone also wants to beat them. Which is exactly like Notre Dame, except everyone does beat them.”

“Like a filthy red headed step child,” Will added.

The Fighting Irish’s latest loss makes them the owner of an NCAA record nine bowl game losing streak stretching back to 1994.

“Incredible streaks like that are the kind of consistency we associate with the truly great sports names out there,” Will said.

That kind of long term success at sucking produces a mystique which some contend have helped Notre Dame get to where it’s at today: the pinnacle of trying your best at miserable failure and achieving your goal every time. From the Four Horsemen to the green jerseys to its storied rivalry with the Navy Midshipmen, the Notre Dame aura seems at times like a physical advantage.

Louisiana State head coach Les Miles agrees.

Said Miles, “You go out there and you see those helmets and that band and that leprechaun and you think to yourself, ‘Man, I dunno how we’re gonna lose this game.’ And then you don’t lose the game. But for a moment there, there’s some doubt. Maybe they shipped in another team and they’re just dressing up? You never know. At the end of the day, though, you don’t play the jerseys, you play the players wearin’ those jerseys. And luckily for us, those players played for Notre Dame.”